Abdullahi Dahir Moge
March 03, 2008

“Waddadii caddayd cagta saartayee ku carraabiyoo…

   kii ciil qabee cunto-gooni rabay ciidda ha galee...”

Hobboladda Waabari, quoted for satirical effect [here]

Wiisha Umshina Wam! (Zulu language) means bring me my machine-gun. It is the favourite song of Jacob Zuma, the new ANC chairman. It is also the song that inspired millions of ANC activist in those dark days of apartheid in South Africa. Late last year, Zuma subtly exploited it stage after stage; to instil patriotism into the heart of his ultra-radical supporters in the campaign for the party’s top post, until his crushing victory over the scholarly but uncharismatic Thabo Mbeki in Polokwane.

Now that the pen-Tadaaqiis are here in town as well, it is time to give them ‘their machine-guns’ and ‘AK-47’s’. Give it to them fast, so that they butcher innocent minors and mothers, and they put its dagger into the eyes of the ‘unruly’ elderly. So that they get the feel of the ‘gallantry’ of a real ‘Tadaaqi’! The ‘gun-wielding gentry’ they just joined. Bring them, so that their thirst for blood is quenched. Give them the money bags as well; it motivates them to be more efficient in their massacre! After all, they had been killing people in the world of pen and paper, and audio-visual for so long a time.

Yes, the pen-tadaaqiis- oh no, scratch the outdated prefix-and call them the Tadaaqis are here to roost. I saw it all when I was awaken from my early morning sleep by the sirens of the motorbikes, in front of the fleet of military and regional government cars that run to the dusty Jigjiga airfield to welcome the new arrivals from Minnesota. And people say they came with a one-way ticket. The knowledge that they will give me a break for a while, as they leave me cold alone in the ‘idle’ and ‘dull’ world of ‘cyber wrestling’ is comforting, at least to me. But again, who will step into the ‘big shoes’ they left behind, and take ‘the blue corner’; as I stroll with confidence to my familiar ‘red corner’.

If none turns out, I will have to polish my Somali, and get into the league of the vernaculars-of Farax’s et al. A mouth-watering prospect! I also have the option of declaring fuctus offficio- a legal jargon, to say I am no longer seized of the matter: of having any more ‘barrages of two-way recriminations’ with them! The latter could be an ill-advised premature celebration. So, it is perhaps better to say Au revouir (till we meet again) and not goodbye!

By the way, what is wrong with this American state of Minnesota? It is not for nothing that people here refer to it, as ‘the Dhobowein’ of the USA. In the last three years, Dhobowein district produced the highest number of ‘rural’ tadaaqii’s per square kilometre in the region. Minnesota, for its part, has exceeded this impressive record by becoming the single producer of all ‘Diaspora’ tadaaqiis. Again, it is not for nothing that the path-finder of this influx has that funny name-‘money’ in Arabic. Is it the word in the name that has precipitated the ‘country road, take me home’ 4x4 replay sprint? Or is it because life in Minnesota is even more dull and stressful, than in other western cities? How do I know? I am planning to try the DV this year just to go there and have a look!

The last time I spoke to these men, was when we exchanged unpleasant salvos over the net, few months back. Me, as self-appointed ‘defender’ of oppressed people, they as the ‘peace-loving’ lads with no government ties! ‘How dare do you label whoever opposes your ‘incitements’ of hate, as a ‘spy and collaborator?’ They said, then. Well, action speaks louder than words, isn’t it? I think I am now proven right as far as the connections I alleged to have existed with the powers in Jigjiga and Addis Ababa is concerned. But someone out there, could still argue, and why did that make them the ‘bad guys’ if they are invited by an impressed Somali People’s Democratic Party leadership? I would like to say, maybe nothing is wrong with that; but everything is wrong with a liar and a bigot. At least one such lie is exposed!

Speaking of leadership, the SPDP’s top brass is nothing more than a coterie of monstrous ‘kids’ of dubious background and double identities: the agnostic acting chairman, the self-doubter secretary who in his fervent quest to understand ‘who he is’, made adaptations to Descartes’ ‘I think, therefore I am’ to ‘ I loot, therefore I am’. Not to forget, the upcoming ‘new chairman’ in the offing, the ‘Obama’ of the barbarians: the blossoming Axmed-carab.

Why do I have to be angry after all? The guys’ departure will undoubtedly reduce the drops of acid that used to exasperate my ulcers every time I read their articles. It will also come as a big relief, I guess, to both hardware and software versions of Webster and Encarta dictionaries! Not that there is a shame in not being fluent in a language that is not yours-far from it; but that the attempt to disguise that critical gap is annoying. Otherwise, who is not bothering the dictionaries? No one!

Nonetheless, it is one thing when maestros go there to pick out bombastic words to bamboozle the hapless readership; only, to be later accused of committing the serious linguistic and academic crime known as: Terminological ‘orotundity’ for Intellectual ‘profundity’. In case I am making that same crime and is gunning for ‘grandiosity’ here- by confusing you; let me clarify what the words in bold mean. In simple example, they describe a situation where a friend of you, who majored in biology, tells you he is going to have an ‘aquatic abortion’- when he could have said “excuse me, I want to go to the men’s room”.  The purpose of throwing about this clumsy jargon being to impress you!

It is quite another for neophytes, to try to cheat the entire expectant readers with poorly assembled and often incoherent long statements. With, wet-water like tautologies, of as I said before, ‘what is the colour of a white horse?’ And their soon to be released book ‘the unfortunate misfortune of the unlucky belated marriage of Ahmed’. Speaking of that marriage, it will happen soon! Call it instinct if you so wish! It was part of the motivation! The amount of misfortune and bad luck in that sentence reminds me of Alexandar Dumas’ les miserable.

On a slightly different note, I have always known that terminologies predetermine one’s thinking. It occurs to me the name ‘Egga’ that they chose for their website-egga.com, is fittingly reflective of the myopia in their planning horizon in life. They live for ‘now’, and not tomorrow. Now! They have to fill their bellies and now they have to get their posts! Thus, the breathless dash started from across the Atlantic!

But it is not going to be all rosy for them after the euphoric first weeks. The ‘home’ tadaaqiis are bitter and are afraid of the proliferation of sophisticated ‘Diaspora’ tadaaqiis? I know this. Soon, like the fate of the Nigerian Soccer team, which was blighted by internal division and factionalism between the lowly-paid boys from the home league, and the rich professionals from the sansiro, Santiago barnabeu, and Old Trafford stadiums; the swords will come out of their shields. Few might be lucky to survive, but most will ultimately pay in their life for their hasty decisions; in the ensuing bloodbath.

So, is it not fair of me to demand apologies from those of you who in those hectic days of ‘exchanges and arguments’, blamed me for character assassination and conjecturing up on people’s motives with ‘flimsy evidence’? I demand a formal apology, and I know the ‘doubters’ with a soft spot for the former pen-tadaaqiis; who are now fully dressed in battle Kaaki’s; will have difficulty in providing it ungrudgingly. Do not worry, I am asking for something you have in abundance. It is probably a welcome coincidence that I will not settle for anything less than your usual ‘elephant milk’ and ‘crocodile tears’. Be forewarned!

As for the more ‘polished’ cheerleader, the missing Garille, he will resurface soon-this time as a ‘peace-loving’ diplomat. You think this is yet another of my ‘unfounded’ predictions? Mark my words! And in case that ascendance to the heights of ‘senior executives and diplomatic corps’ meant I will not be hearing from these ‘friends’ anytime soon, let them send in their ‘interns’. Surely, with over eighty thousand-strong Somali community in the US Dhobowein, they are not in short supply. Next, please!